now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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