do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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