after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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