Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
