Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
