so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
