U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
