theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
