When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
