I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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