I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
