I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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