I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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