I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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