he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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