dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
