The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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