I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
