someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
