i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
