My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
