So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
