How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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