that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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