Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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