do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
