Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
