Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
