I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
