I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
They are going to name an STD after you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
