Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
