I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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