Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
