Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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