and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
did i just pee glitter
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
