The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
The air taste purple.
Randomize
