you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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