Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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