so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
