This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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