he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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