Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
