Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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