I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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