Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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