Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
