I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
