is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
