i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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