I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
