Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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