2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
