you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
