Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
